Time for an Olympics update

As you’re no doubt aware, The 2012 Olympic Games are in full swing.

This event gives people around the world a chance to show everyone how well they can jump over hurdles, fight each other with foils (“pretend swords”) and put their horses into reverse.

But as much as we all love the chance to cheer on our teams and listen to the commentators struggle with everyone’s names, I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking, “Why are they still doing that?”

Think about it. When was the last time you tried hurdling something instead of either slowly stepping over it or grabbing a foot ladder? Have you fought anyone with a pretend sword since your eighth birthday? And when was the last time you were even on a horse, let alone trying to make it go backwards?

(For the record, I have actually been on a horse while it was reversing. Just before it lodged me in the branches of a tree.)

We need to scrap some of these events and replace them with modern-day equivalents. Not only will we get more people taking part in the Games, but the athletes will be able to use their abilities for more than two weeks every four years.

Here are just a few ideas:

Hurdles: Drag a wheelie bin across the yard, jumping over kids toys and garden implements, in a race to the garbage truck that is about to drive away. Points deducted for swearing as you stub your toe on a Tonka truck.

Fencing: Find a long stick, and fend off cobwebs and spiders as you gather rubbish from under a house.  Bonus points for dragging out the cardboard boxes without them falling apart. Points deducted for screaming when a spider lands on your shoulder.

Dressage: Manoeuvre your car and trailer around a rubbish dump, before finally reversing into position to shovel out your load. Points deducted for not recycling and passing out from the stench.

And they should definitely be cooking some sausages and onions on that Olympic flame.

Of course, to people living in Brisbane these “new” events will still look ridiculous. “Why are they doing it all themselves?” they’ll be asking each other. “Why don’t they just call Brizzy Rubbish Removals and get them to do it all?”

And that’s exactly what you should do as well. Let them collect your rubbish and take it away so you can sit back, relax, and watch the athletes in action.

Because some of their names sound really funny.